Thursday, August 13, 2009

Day 1

They told me the first thing that I would experience is shock. Complete shock in being told that there was nothing they can do for me and that I only have a year to live.

Surprisingly, shock is not what I am feeling right now. That may change. However, right now I feel free. Free to do what I want, when I want, and how I want. No more living for anyone or anything else. This last year will be all about me.

I don't have a bucket list of things I want to do and don't intend to make one. What I intend to do is to simply live. I am going to do everything I want to do with no regard to anyone else.

I feel no guilt for feeling that way.

I remember being a kid and thinking how long a year really lasts. It seemed like an eternity when I wished on my 15th birthday to be 16 and able to drive. Now being told that I have one year left at best, I now hope it is long enough to enjoy my new freedom.

I am in no relationship, have no kids, have no siblings, out of touch with my mother, and know no father. I wouldn't want it any other way now. The last thing I want is to try and make other people feel better about what I am going through or feeling right now. To be quite honest, I don't even want to know what those feelings are at this time.

I don't care to know.

The only thing I asked the doctor after being told there was no hope was:

"Is there any need for me to ever see a doctor again? Do I have to come back?"

"We can help with the pain that you will suffer from time to time, but other than that, there is nothing we can do."

After thinking for a minute, I simply said thank you and that I would not be back. If all they could do is help whatever pending pain I may be in, then fuck them.

No need wasting little time I have left coming here when they can't stop me from dying. Pain is pain. I have dealt with so much of it emotionally in my life, physical pain has never been that tough for me.

I said earlier that I have never had a relationship with my father. He had an affair with my mother and never left his wife to see me or have any semblance of a relationship with me.

The first time I heard anything about him from anyone other than my mother was a year ago when he died. A lawyer from New York called me and informed that he left me more than $200,000. I have never touched that money because all I have ever wanted from him was a relationship. I would have gladly traded the money for one memory of my father being with me.

However, I now know the money from my father has a purpose for me. To allow me to spend this year doing as I please without the worries of work and having to stay put in one place. For the first time in my life I am thankful of my father. He has given me the gift to live life as I chose to for one year.

Right now, all I am going to do is quit my job, walk away from my house, trade my car in for something more sporty, and leave this town without a goodbye. For those that I am close to, I will have a letter on me at all times that will explain everything after I am gone.

I hope that anyone that I encounter over the next year offers me no advise or doesn't tell me about some doctor who can help me. I have accepted my fate and I hope that they would respect that. Let me enjoy this last year that I have here. It should be quite a ride.

I will write a daily journal so that the people who I am leaving behind with no explanation will have their questions answered after I am gone. This is the way I want to go out. Frankly, I am all I care about now.

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